this schism... p.s. hi

 i started this post 8 days ago thinking about you, brother, after just having watched a video from one of your harddrives. turns out you have it uploaded on youtube for others who struggle like you did, but i forgot and it was fresh to my eyes and ears and heart. right now i am behind on school work, but this takes prescendence because you take prescedence. we walked for you yesterday. my friends and some of yours, people who you have loved dearly and who dearly love you. what would it be like for you to see, as if through a mirror, now clear, your beauty and worth reflected in people who now walk in honor of you? do those eyes you said were so dim see more truly now who you are, who you are to us? it's like i have forgotten you, all these years, and being with someone so profoundly marked by you incarnates you so closely, yet all that's missing is the flesh and bone and blood of your physical humanity. as reconnected as i feel, ever so fleetingly, to your transcendent humanity, i'll admit it - your absence hurts like hell, and i hope it always does. so, i guess that is it for now. i really should come visit you at your grave soon <333