2:41 am (what an edgy title...)
This is writing just to write so I can write, alright?
time stamp: 2:43 am (ignore the title).
here i find myself. turning in assignments late, my therapist's words ringing in my head (WOW. so edgy). i turn to music, because it's sooo much easier than turning to God.
and it's indescribably emptier. but in the moment, it feels like enough. i truly love music, and there's something magical - like, really. magical - about lacing sounds together and hearing them interact and complement and -- it's just so lovely.
but...
so is sleep. and actually turning assignments in online. and not feeding into distraction and hypomanic tendencies (if that's what i'm doing).
the moral of the story is:
there are what feels like thousands of sounds and notes and ideas that i've had that will probably never (at least the overwhelming majority of them) be anything more than, at the worst, an idolized ego boost, and, at the best, a moment of sweet serenity and, at times, worship of God Himself. all that is devoid of true meaning and substance on it's own, though. so these craving, nagging, gnawing, tugging, coercive tendencies betray a better path. where freedom truly is free.
what this looks like?
i sure as heck don't know.
but it's there.
what i came up with tonight was very nice, though, so i'm okay with that, i guess.
goodnight ☾
♡
-- william
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